Rowan starts preschool in a few weeks, and I am VERY excited about this for a few reasons! One, it is going to be so good for him to be around other kids his age, get speech therapy (since most of his frustration comes from lack of communication), and learn new things! Two, Asher and Bella will get more of my personal attention and I'm excited about that. Asher and Rowan play very differently, so it will be really good for Asher to get to do the things he always wants to do without Rowan giving him a hard time. And lastly, I think it will help my heart to have him out of the house for a few hours a day. Now don't go thinking that I dont want my son around, because I love him more than my own life! But if you're a mom, and more specifically a mom of an ASD kid, you understand that sometimes the hard things you deal with become overwhelming enough to send you off the deep end.
So, that is kind of where I was today. Right on the edge of the deep end. I could see the end of my rope very clearly but was determined not to get there. And I swore twice. (I'm human, give me a break!) Not AT my kids, mind you. If I ever do that, then I've clearly lost control and you are welcome to come over and send me to my room.
Once naptime came around, and I had a few hours to breathe and compose myself, I felt much better. The sanity break makes it much easier to deal with hard things again. I have more patience and kindness in my heart when I have had time to process and move on. I love my kids so much! Having Rowan, and Asher (who is 2.5 so you can imagine that he is a handful right now!), and Bella means that I don't have the option to sit around and be depressed or sad all the time. Yes, there is a time for that, but you deal with it and you move on. Dwelling on that stuff for too long wastes too much time and energy, and the Lord never intended our hearts to dwell on the negative things. You have to acknowledge it, mourn, grieve, be angry, but only for a short season and then you get up and at 'em.
I have to tell this to myself every day. Now it's time to steward what the Lord has put on my table! I still and will always pray for Rowans complete healing, and am doing all that I know how to do while that is in progress. Yesturday I told the Lord, "Ok, I am sending him to preschool, getting him speech therapy, he's eating special foods and taking vitamins, having tests done and so on, but I'm asking You to make up for the rest! If I could do it all, then I'd be You, and clearly I'm not!" He supplements what I am unable to provide here on earth. Obviously, he provides everything I listed anyways, but has entrusted me to carry it out. The great part is that in the end, He's the one who will do the miracle. Amen? Halleluyer.