Still don't believe it.

And don't even try to convince me, ok?
Cuz I'm not buyin' it.
It is not even possible that Rowan is in Kindergarten.
Is it?
It is. Ok.

I need a sec.

I'm sort of a freak. I still can't get over it.
Why is it so hard to believe how far he's come in the past 2 years?
I mean really?
I think about what Ro was like before we started the GFCF diet, all the other treatments and the ABA therapy. 
Before he could even tell us his name, what he wanted for breakfast, if he had to go potty, if he was sad, mad, if he wanted us to stop what we were doing...he couldn't communicate at. all.
And I remember being in the pits of despair last year, wondering if God was even real, and if He is, what in the world was He thinking? Does He even know what is going on here?!

Things are always harder when you can't see what they're good for.  What possible good could come out of Ro having autism right now? What possible good could come from going to the darkest place in my heart? What could possibly be the reason for the agony our hearts went through when we were told that our firstborn son was not what we dreamed he would be.

I'll tell you what good came of it.

This.

And this.

And this.

Because God IS real, and He works all things together for the good of those who love Him.  Sometimes, the only way to see the reason for things is to get to the bottom of where you are so that all you can do is look up and see God. And give it all up. Ya know? Anyone been there too?

Ro is in a mainstream class. Doesn't even need a 1:1 aide.  I never knew if I'd ever say that. And you know what his teachers say?

"Rowan is amazing! He keeps surprising us with things he knows and can do! I can't even believe it! He is such a joy."

I still believe he will be healed. Because whether now or later, God's glory is gonna be shown in his life, even more than it has been thus far. And because we asked Him to heal him. And because I believe God is bigger than autism, and in His perfect timing, He'll do it. Someday.

In the meantime, I enjoy every second with Rowan, where he's at and all of the things he's learning and growing in.  I take none of it, not even one second, for granted.
And with my family.
With these children who keep me on my toes and drive me to the brink of insanity while at the same time causing my heart to burst out of my chest with love.  I savor every moment with my husband, watching him raise these kids in integrity and in the Word. Teaching them about the Lord.  

And just to brag on Joel a little, here's something that happened that made my day.
The kids came down this morning and this was our conversation.

Asher: "Hey mommy, God spoke to Samuel!"
Me: "Well, yes He did honey."
Asher: "Yeah, and Samuel heard Gods' voice."
Me: "Yeah!"
Bella: "Samuel said, "here I am, Lord."
Me: "Wow you guys, you know all about Samuel! Where did you learn this?"
Asher: "Daddy teaches us in our room when we go to bed. And mommy, Jesus lives in my heart."

Yeah. That's my husband. And I'm keeping him forever.

The hard stuff is worth it.  The sacrifices are always worth it, if God is telling you to go for it. Whatever it is that you are battling, don't be afraid to dream big and go for gold. Go for God. Believe that He really does know what He's doing. You can be mad that you're going through it. You can even be angry that God is letting it happen.
But do not, for one second, forget that He is good. Above all, He is good. And He knows what He's doing. And there's a peace that passes understand, and you can have it, if you want it. Just ask and wait. And believe He's still on the throne.

He can heal Ro of autism. He hasn't, but He can.  That should make me mad but it doesn't. Know why? Cuz He's God and I'm not, and He loves Ro more than I do.  Once I really believed that, the peace came.

Go for the peace, friends. He's got it, and it's free for the taking. Just believe Him.